So, is it possible that two people can live two completely different lives, yet have their lives be similar enough to cause a ripple in the fabric of life? In my 7 years of writing this diary, I never realized completely how complicated and yet how amazing life was going to be for me. I've never been one to turn down an opportunity, and I suppose that is why for me life has been a crazy story, with many paths heading into different directions, and me hopping from one to another along the way.If you have ever read my diary you would know that I have been dark and deep at moments and at other moments on top of the world. My diary started back in January 2000 when I was living at the Seaward Inn in Ventura with my then husband and children, and struggling in life to keep a roof over our heads. I was working at a very busy call center and pulling 12-18 hour shifts. The cost of living at the Inn was so high that most of my money went to paying that.
I had been evicted twice in 2006 from apartments that I lived in with my husband because we couldn't afford to live the way he wanted to and still be able to pay our bills. Needless to say my happiness was fading and I was looking for some spiritual comfort.
The things this diary doesn't tell you about my relationship with my then husband was how we met, how our lives went, and how come we separated. All of that I may cover one day, but for now this diary remains to be the days just before I left him and all the days after.
In 2000, a lot happened to me in my life to cause me pain in my heart, but all of these experiences helped me grow. In mid 2000 I met Dan and fell very in love.. more in love than I had ever been in my entire life, at that point. I was learning what that kind of love felt like, and hoping it would be forever. What I didn't realize would be that I would spend 7 years with a man trying to get him to show me the kind of love I showed him, and getting more and more depressed as time went on as I realized I couldn't change him, and I couldn't make him love me how I wanted him to love me. He did love me... he truely did, but he just had a hard time showing it.
With me... I need to be shown. I cannot just accept you love me, and live with it and be happy that I have love... I need affection, and I need emotion and I need to know I'm truely loved. Just saying it, wasn't enough for me... and it took me a long time to realize that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how deeply you love someone, that if you need love in return, really need it, you wont be happy in a relationship where you're the only one giving and giving. You need what you need... if those needs aren't filled... you start longing for it.
I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep. We used to fight over my needs, and I used to resent needing attention and affection. I bottled it up, I quit writing in my diary... and I submerged myself into a Virtual reality world, where I could get a lot of attention from online friends.
Something I have always done when I felt lonely.... I played games online. It's not a very healthy habit, but it beats going out to bars and to clubs when you have 3 small children at home. At least when I sought attention, I knew my girls were in the next room tucked in bed and I was in the room next door, on the internet, hanging out with virtual buddies in a virtual dance club, and I wasn't getting drunk, or high or any of that. I was laughing, and chatting and being silly... and if my children needed me, I was there.
In the year 2004 I joined the now quite popular "Second Life" a virtual world where you can be anything.
And, in 2005 I met Joe Stravinsky. He helped me in so many ways. He helped me to realize I could be loved the way I needed to be loved, and he needed the kind of love I gave. It began a new adventure in my life, and the story will be told here... as with the whole of my past, and all of the drama from my older entries, and all the things I left out over the years when I was too depressed to write anything... I will fill in the blanks as we go... or at least I will try to.
Right now... I'm still recovering in many ways from the last 7 years... and even though I have Joe in my life now, I still have a lot of repairing to do... but at least I don't have to do it alone. I can write about it here... and I have Joe now, and he is not planning to go anywhere.
That's all for now....
Me :)
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